Minecraft Minefield
I thought the crying was in my dream.
But when I was awakened from my nap (a nap!! Glorious!) by my 6 year old crawling onto my bed, I soon realized that I hadn’t been dreaming.
Me: “What’s up, bud? What have you and Daddy been doing?”
Wrong question.
His face crumples, a keening wail emerging from his little clenched core.
I’d struck a nerve. At least I was awake now.
I opened my arms to him as he nestled close, loudly sobbing into my ear, “MY MINECRAFT WORLD IS GONE! IT CRASHED AND DELETED”
Instant dread. He’s been working so hard on that world.
Just this morning he was so proud to show it to me, and spoke repeatedly of wanting to show classmates, grandparents, my (and my husband’s) friends, etc.
So I took a deep breath and tried to salvage this pain for something enduring without discounting it or distracting from it.
Me: “Ohhhh, wow. Oh, honey. I’m so sorry that happened. You have been working so hard on that game.”
Him: [continues to sob]
Me: [not wanting to talk too much here, focusing on supporting him while he lets this flow through him]
Him: [tapering off]
Me: “Mmm hmmm….. This is a big loss. Thank you for telling me about it.”
Him: [renewed tears as he remembers, rides the next wave of feeling]
This process repeats for a while, maybe 10 minutes.
I want to convey to him that I will support him through the full cycle of upset, and not put an arbitrary time limit on it.
At the same time, I want to also communicate that I will not focus on the upset itself, but rather I will devote my presence to seeing all the facets of the beauty of how he’s handling that pain.
Me: “Hey bud, you are just amazing me right now, can I tell you?”
Him: [Sits straight up and looks right at me, nods]
Me: “Oh good. I just want you to know… What you’re doing right now is so important, and so hard. Do I have it right, that when you found out the game was gone, you didn’t go into a rage, or break stuff, or try to hurt Daddy, or try to leave the house, or anything like that?”
Him: [tearfully] “Uh huh.”
Me: “WOW. That is seriously so powerful. Because you could have, right? You could have—I’ve heard all kinds of stories about kids whose games went wrong in some way, or got deleted or broken, and they just totally lost control and then ended up breaking way more things.
So the fact that you just felt the pain of it and let Daddy and I support you through it is some INCREDIBLE maturity, and self-control, and power. Even though it hurts so much."
Him: [Still looking at me, rapt, nodding]
Me: "AND, this also shows that you love yourself. You know? You have self-love, which is why you're giving yourself this time to feel."
Him: "And love for Papa, to show him."
Me: "YES! It shows how much you love your family and friends too, that you want to share your hard work with them, and make them happy with what you've created."
Him: [nodding some more, snuggling in]
Me: “And it will still keep coming in waves for a bit, and that’s okay. I want you to know that you can still talk to me about it when those waves come.
And you can know that your heart will handle every single one of those waves. Right? Because look how many they just handled already, over this!”
Him: [raggedy breaths, calmer now]
Then he gave me one last hug and hopped off the bed.
I want my son (especially as someone identified as male, as a white male) to have frequent, aware experiences of himself handling feelings without acting them out.
To find his strength in the healthy ways he bears pain and seeks loving support.
To know what he can inwardly withstand, and to not be afraid to use the crucial physiological release of crying—it’s there for all of us.
**UPDATE** We’ve since learned that we were able to restore some of the game, thanks to a backup!! What a gift!
[Originally posted HERE]
