Realizations, Re-envisioning, and a Return!

Me with my first tattoo— just the beginning!

It’s been a long time since I posted anything here! I’ll be adding much more content soon, but I wanted to just pop back in to give a little glimpse into what’s been going on since I last posted:

- I officially ended my relationship with the organization through which I’d been certified to teach parenting classes. This was a painful process, involving significant grief and anger, but I now also feel genuine gratitude for what that decade of work and investment gave to me. I feel excited and hopeful about how I can take those skills and direct them with renewed passion toward my current work in a way that is truly neuro-affirming, congruent with my full values, and free from any hint of behaviorism.

- The past few years have also involved a gradually unfolding process of discovering all the facets and flavors of my personal types of neurodivergence, and how they interact in my life. The ways I know myself now are precious to me, even as I’ve also had to grapple with the ways the world is disabling for my neurotype.
- My mental health team also grew over the past few years— I am so appreciative toward science for the medication I now consider a teammate (took me 10 months of trial and error to get there, though!), as well as my supportive therapist and prescriber. It means so much to be able to find validating, non-pathologizing help. Happy to talk more about this if you want to know more!
- Oh, and I also turned 40 and got my first four tattoos. It’s been liberating to reach this decade and already have so many fewer effs to give, for things that truly don’t matter!

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned for more reflections and resources!
- Leah

Two chances to get a peek at the Nurtured Heart Approach in the next few weeks!

I’m teaching TWO new Nurtured Heart Approach introductory trainings online in the coming weeks, and would love to have you join!

Are you new to the Nurtured Heart Approach? Maybe you’ve heard about it but aren’t sure what it’s all about? Or maybe you just want some way to shift things in your environment so you can have some peace and cooperation?

This workshop is a perfect fit for you. In this 90-minute session, Leah walks you through the background and current application of the NHA, and uses stories and video to help you step inside the 3 key components that drive its effectiveness. While this is just a taste of the NHA, the material presented here can absolutely be enough to bring huge successes into your parenting, teaching, etc.!

Included in this workshop:
- 1.5 hours of content delivered by an experienced Nurtured Heart Approach® Certified Advanced Trainer
- Video examples and stories of the NHA® in action
- Experiential exercises
- A detailed printable notes packet to help you follow the content and take it deeper with your own reflections
- Printable handout: A Snapshot of the Nurtured Heart Approach
- Resource list, emailed to participants following the introduction

Total value: $150
Current investment for the workshop: $19.99

Reach Your Heart Out PLLC - Leah F. Marcus, Counseling & Consulting

Registration:
NHAIntroSept22.eventbrite.com
NHAIntroOct4.eventbrite.com

New course starting July 22nd!

Are you a parent/caregiver, an educator, or a mental health professional?

Do you have intensity in your life, whether that comes from a child, a partner, or within yourself?

I can help you learn how to shift that intensity without having to dampen it, diminish it, numb it or otherwise try to make it go away—and even to see it as a tremendous gift!

I (course facilitator Leah Marcus) have been learning and living the Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA®) for the past decade at work, home, and within myself. I am a counselor, a certified Advanced Trainer in the NHA, and a certified NHA Inner Wealth® Mentor.

The Nurtured Heart Approach® is a curriculum for relationship. It can inspire transformative change even in the face of significant social, behavioral, emotional, or academic challenges.

Dedicated parents & professionals for whom traditional strategies have fallen short often find NHA to be a powerful force of change in their homes, classrooms, and beyond.

Through the clear vision and boundaries of NHA children see their intensity as fuel for greatness, not as a deficit.

This engaging 4-session course will teach you how to help yourself and others flourish as they:

- Cultivate inner strength and self-monitoring

- Improve emotional regulation and communication skills

- Experience more empowered ownership of behaviors and outcomes

- Increase positive social interaction and self-concept

WHO SHOULD ATTEND:

Parents, caregivers, adoptive/foster/kinship parents, educators, child care workers, mental health professionals, and any community members invested in improving the lives of children!

TESTIMONIALS:

“Leah, thank you so much for your Nurtured Heart workshop. I started seeing results the very next day! I was previously implementing [a different peaceful parenting] approach. While I believe in the fundamentals [of that other approach], it was positively exhausting for me. Every time my kids exhibited a negative emotion it felt like a siren telling me to pour more into them. So there was a lot of energy around the negative, even if only in my brain!

The Nurtured Heart concept of being an energy detective has completely changed my perspective and allows me to be truly calm during the storms, leaving energy to be bright and interactive when the skies are sunny. [My daughter] went from whining almost all the time to to joyful, resilient, and empathetic. Virtual learning feels much less daunting with these tools in the toolbox. Thank you thank you thank you!!!”

- J.W., parent

“Leah possesses such a gift for helping families. Her passion for Nurtured Heart is contagious. Each time I hear her speak, my passion for parenting in a kind, loving, firm way is renewed.”

- J. E., parent

“Leah is one of the most caring and supportive individuals I have ever met, and this comes across so clearly in her training. She has an incredible ability to touch people to their core with her words of affirmation. Her words and her presence, both in person and online, perfectly model how we can feel connected to our kids using NHA.”

- S. N., parent and therapist

“Leah is a passionate representation of NHA. She uses it in her daily life with her son, and would like to assure that you are able to use it in your life as well.”

- Parent participant

“Very inspiring and motivational! Great techniques. Definitely will be using these approaches at home.”

- N, parent and parent advocate

“I love the honesty and the examples used. The material was related to real life, and there was no judgment.”

- A, parent participant

"Amazing. Very relaxed and engaging. Kept [my] interest 100% of the time.”

- A, parent and mental health counseling student

WHERE: Online— you decide if your camera is on or off and how much you want to engage.

[Recording can be made available temporarily to registrants upon request, although it’s much more impactful to be there live!]

WHEN: Four (4) Thursdays, July 22-August 12, 2021, 8:00-9:45 pm EDT each session

INVESTMENT: $167 per household

REGISTRATION: NHASummer2021.Eventbrite.com

Head into summer with a fresh lens (NHA Workshop June 28th)

Do you have an intense child in your life? Or an intense therapy client? Student? Maybe you’ve got some intensity of your own? Or has the pandemic triggered overwhelming behavior you've never seen before at this level?

Come learn about shifting that intensity without having to dampen it, diminish it, numb it or otherwise try to make it go away—and find out how it can actually be a tremendous gift!

I (workshop facilitator Leah Marcus) have been learning and living the Nurtured Heart Approach® (NHA®) for the past 10 years, first as a counselor and art therapist, then as a wife, mother, and (perhaps most potently) within myself. I am a certified Advanced Trainer in the NHA, as well as a certified NHA Inner Wealth® Mentor.

The Nurtured Heart Approach® is a curriculum for relationship. It can inspire transformative change in any child, including those with social, behavioral, emotional, or academic challenges, and/or diagnoses like ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), and attachment & anxiety disorders. NHA is also protective against bullying.

Dedicated parents & professionals for whom traditional strategies have fallen short often find NHA to be a powerful force of change in their homes, classrooms, and beyond. Through the clear vision and boundaries of NHA children see their intensity as fuel for greatness, not as a deficit.

This engaging workshop will begin to teach you how to help all children flourish as they:

- Cultivate inner strength and self-monitoring

- Improve emotional regulation and communication skills

- Take ownership of behaviors and outcomes 

- Increase positive social interaction

NOTE: This workshop is **FULLY LIVE**, to allow for interaction and as much impact as possible. The event will be recorded but no replay will be automatically sent (email Leah for access); come ready to try on a new, empowering lens!

WHO SHOULD ATTEND:

Parents, caregivers, adoptive/foster/kinship parents, educators, child care workers, mental health professionals, and any community members invested in improving the lives of children!

TESTIMONIALS:

“This super digestible explanation of the three stands was transformative for me and my family. This intro came to me at a really hard time for my five year old and after a few days of implementing what I had learned, her behavior did a 180, and I actually found myself enjoying parenting ...during a pandemic.” 

- L. N., parent and teacher

“Leah, thank you so much for your Nurtured Heart workshop. I started seeing results the very next day! I was previously implementing [a different peaceful parenting] approach. While I believe in the fundamentals [of that other approach], it was positively exhausting for me. Every time my kids exhibited a negative emotion it felt like a siren telling me to pour more into them. So there was a lot of energy around the negative, even if only in my brain! 

The Nurtured Heart concept of being an energy detective has completely changed my perspective and allows me to be truly calm during the storms, leaving energy to be bright and interactive when the skies are sunny. [My daughter] went from whining almost all the time to to joyful, resilient, and empathetic. Virtual learning feels much less daunting with these tools in the toolbox. Thank you thank you thank you!!!”

- J.W., parent

“Leah possesses such a gift for helping families. Her passion for Nurtured Heart is contagious. Each time I hear her speak, my passion for parenting in a kind, loving, firm way is renewed.” 

- J. E., parent

“Leah is one of the most caring and supportive individuals I have ever met, and this comes across so clearly in her training. She has an incredible ability to touch people to their core with her words of affirmation. Her words and her presence, both in person and online, perfectly model how we can feel connected to our kids using NHA.” 

- S. N., parent and therapist

“Leah is a passionate representation of NHA. She uses it in her daily life with her son, and would like to assure that you are able to use it in your life as well.” 

- Parent participant

“Very inspiring and motivational! Great techniques. Definitely will be using these approaches at home.” 

- N, parent and parent advocate

“I love the honesty and the examples used. The material was related to real life, and there was no judgment.” 

- A, parent participant

"Amazing. Very relaxed and engaging. Kept [my] interest 100% of the time.” 

- A, parent and mental health counseling student 

WHERE: Online— you decide if your camera is on or off and how much you want to engage.

[Recording can be made available temporarily to registrants upon request, although it’s much more impactful to be there live!]

WHEN: Monday, June 28, 2021, 8:00-9:30 pm EDT

INVESTMENT: $19.99

REGISTRATION: NHAIntroJune2021.Eventbrite.com

** If you’ve already attended one of my introductory workshops, PLEASE feel free to still pass this opportunity along by sharing this post!

Facebook event link: https://fb.me/e/1yVgiKSfX

NHA Intro Workshop on May 26th!

Are you also feeling that weird mixture of stagnant and overwhelmed?

Well... I’m giving a short workshop next week, for anyone who relates — especially anyone who spends time around kids.

I’m not offering this because there’s anything wrong with you, or to drum up a sense of scarcity or FOMO (fear of missing out), or because you’re lacking anything.

On the contrary — What drives me to wade through my own stagnant overwhelm to offer this material is my passion to help people get back in touch with what has been so very right and good about them the whole time, that over the years and experiences they have maybe stopped seeing.

Or maybe no one ever saw it in them. But it’s there.

I'm giving this workshop because...

...I know what it feels like to be totally overcome with love for someone while not knowing specifically how to make sure they feel it and *get* it.

...the world isn't kind to those of us who were born with a greater level of (inner or outer) intensity.

...it is my life's deepest joy to encounter another person and help them see how utterly remarkable and worth celebrating they are, for even the tiniest and most overlooked decisions.

...we all need to be stronger and more resilient on the inside than ever.

...we want our children to behave well, yes, but not out of fear or control.

...we want them to make good choices because of who they know THEY are, not because an adult's around to instruct or scold.

And because we're all ... so tired. Our energy is precious and threatened, and I have learned some ways to preserve it and grow it — Yes, even as an introvert.

If you're curious, it would be my honor to spend some time with you to share what I’m talking about!

WHAT: Nurtured Heart Approach introductory workshop

WHO: Parents, caregivers, educators, clinicians... anyone who engages with children or is interested in a more loving friendship with themselves

WHERE: Online— you decide if your camera is on or off and how much you want to engage.

[Recording can be made available temporarily to registrants upon request, although it’s much more impactful to be there live!]

WHEN: Wednesday, May 26, 2021, 8:00-9:30 pm EDT

INVESTMENT: $19.99

REGISTRATION: NHAIntroMay2021.Eventbrite.com

** If you’ve already attended one of my introductory workshops, PLEASE feel free to still pass this opportunity along by sharing this post!

Thank you!

Leah

Reach Your Heart Out PLLC

ReachYourHeartOut.com/workwithme

Artwork copyright © 2011 by Leah F. Marcus

P.S. I included this artwork because it was a painting I made using only a fork.

And so often these days it feels like I’m trying to do familiar things but I don’t have quite the tools I’m used to using!

But even in that awkward striving, there can be beautiful moments.

FAQ About Peace In A Pandemic 6-Week Course

I took a moment to put together responses to some questions that my colleague Nicole Semmens (Relationship Matters LLC) and I have gathered, related to the upcoming Peace In A Pandemic 6-week Nurtured Heart Approach® course she and I are co-facilitating in November and December.

Take a look, if you’re on the fence, and let us know if you have any additional questions!

NHA Intro Workshop in October!

Exciting news! I will be giving an online introductory workshop coming up this Thursday, 10/22 from 8-9:30 pm (EST)!

This will probably be my final intro training of 2020!

This intro is especially for any parents, educators, and/or therapists struggling with intense behavior in children, and who may be feeling exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed, depleted, enraged, hopeless... the list goes on.

If you want to learn how big shifts at home are more possible than you might think, without having to expend additional energy, please consider attending.

Once registered, you will receive an email that provides access to the Zoom link, detailed printable notes pages, handouts, and other helpful resources, all right on the event page!

All the info is here: www.NHAIntro10-22-20.eventbrite.com

Facebook event :https://fb.me/e/2WS0AFTpb

Video briefly giving more information: https://www.facebook.com/lfaleermarcus/videos/10100838980318554

Candy Confession

6 y/o: Mama, I wanted to tell you... I ate some candy without asking you first.

Me: Oh? Well you're telling me now, so thank you, bud. How many pieces did you have?

6 y/o: Three.

Me: Ahh. Well that's probably enough for today. Thanks again for telling me. Let's see-- what greatness did you just show?

6 y/o: Oh I also was going to eat a fourth piece but I stopped myself!

Me: WHOA! That's amazing that you know your limits! So check it out: You showed honesty with me, and integrity, by telling me what happened... what else?

6 y/o: I know: I showed WILL POWER!

******

I love helping him grow his Inner Wealth (a #NurturedHeartApproach concept), and teaching about character qualities in the moments they're being demonstrated, so it lands more deeply and is based in first-hand experience.

I hope he always comes to me freely like this. No shaming or lecturing or hiding or lying needed.

[Originally posted HERE]

Interrupting Patterns

I could hear him coming down the stairs…

My irritation stirred…

I was going to be interrupted… AGAIN.

I know interruptions are part of being a parent.

And I know interruptions are especially guaranteed as part of pandemic life, when we’re lucky enough to all be under the same roof all day.

But I’m also an introvert, and pretty sensitive, so interruptions tend to be especially disruptive to my train of thought, my nervous system, and my mood.

They are a big “button” for me, something that almost instantly sets me off.

I mean, “interruption” has “eruption” practically right in the name, so…

But I didn’t want to erupt this time. I was in the kitchen, reading something to my husband as we shared a moment before he needed to return to work.

I just wanted to finish my sentence, but we could hear our 6 year old son heading down from upstairs.

Based on most interactions with him, chances were good that he would walk into the room and just start speaking, no matter who else was already in conversation.

But, as I said, I didn’t want that to happen this time. My son doesn’t deserve to pay the price for my own nervous system sensitivity or short temper.

In that split second moment, as he neared the kitchen doorway, I decided to use one of the Nurtured Heart Approach® recognition techniques that I learned from (NHA creator) Howard Glasser years ago.

I paused what I was saying (when I interrupt myself, it doesn’t feel as disruptive to me), and enthusiastically exclaimed:

“Bud, THANK YOU so much for not interrupting me when you walked in here and saw me talking to Daddy! That was so respectful of you!”

No sarcasm. No snark. No faking.

Because the truth was that he *hadn’t* interrupted yet, however likely it was to happen soon.

And the truth was that I WAS thankful for that!

My son looked at me, gave a little nod and a small smile, and proceeded to walk the rest of the way through the kitchen, not saying a word.

I had “hijacked” my son into success, in Glasser’s words. I aimed to create a moment in which he couldn’t help but demonstrate a quality or qualities we want to cultivate in him.

In this case, my son in that quick moment showed that he can adapt, wait his turn, show self-control & restraint, tolerate frustration, be patient, and grow in maturity.

Another key component? Us celebrating this out loud, rather than admiring all these qualities in silence.

As our son trotted through the kitchen and occupied himself with Legos, my husband quietly turned to me and said, “Whoa. That was amazing, well done!”

My husband knew how this could have gone, how easily it would have been to fall into our usual dynamic of interruption-annoyance-outburst.

And he refused to admire my decision in silence, as well!

This whole interaction yesterday took probably 20 seconds at most. But for the entire next day, my son interrupted me WAY less than he normally would.

The Nurtured Heart Approach can have beautiful impact in quick moments, while also powerfully shaping and shifting the “long game” of a home’s (or classroom’s) climate.

And I think so many of us yearn for shifts like this that really last. To go from interruptions to “inner eruptions” (or “in-eruptions”... or “inner options”!) of the beautiful character qualities of greatness that we hope to grow in ourselves and the children in our lives.

If you’d like to know more, I’d love to help— please don’t hesitate to reach out!

Unpublished Work © 2020
Leah F. Marcus, MA

[Originally posted HERE]

Transformation

Transformation.

Sounds good, right? Or magical, or powerful, or liberating.

I generally think so too.

Except…

Except (apparently) when I am called upon to help my son work through a few assignments for the asynchronous aspects of his virtual school year.

In those moments, I transform… Into the very opposite of how I want to be as a parent.

I roll my eyes.

I huff.

I mutter curses under my breath.

I leave the room many times to gather myself.

I use a shaming tone.

And I watch as, also like magic, my 6 year old crumples before me.

And I descend a little deeper into this moment of self-loathing.

Is this most of our time, even these days? No.

But the fact that it happens at all feeds my shame and worsens my overall parenting and self-concept.

What a fraud I am! I teach parents, for goodness’ sake! And here I am, lecturing my own child about something he “should know how to do”?? That’s rich.

At some point, a sort of truce is reached:

My son realizes it’s a quicker path through this muck when he finally just agrees to try to write the sentence or draw the thing, or whatever sparked our standoff.

And I realize I need to give us both some space to work on resetting.

I shift my focus to what a blessing the reset is.

(And by “reset,” I am referring to a component of Howard Glasser’s Nurtured Heart Approach®, where instead of trying to find the perfect consequence to correspond to a given behavior...

...we can choose instead to embrace a “reset” as a tool for stepping together into a fresh moment— nothing to live down, nothing to wait out, nothing to give up over.)

Almost like hitting the rumble strip on a highway. When that happens, it’s just a matter of “Oops, let’s refocus and get back on track.”

We don’t have to surrender our driver’s license, or sell our car, or abandon our journey, or pull over and yell apologies to all the other folks on the road.

We get a new moment to try again, no shame needed. (Because if shaming helped me be a better mom, I’d be the world's greatest mom after what I inflicted on myself today.)

Does this mean there’s no place for repair? Of course not.

But it gets to come from my deep sense of my values and personhood, not driven by self-flagellation or trying to get the other person to help me feel better.

Another thing I noticed:

The deep self-knowing (which in the Nurtured Heart Approach world is known as Inner Wealth®) that my son has been cultivating through his own years of growing up in a (mostly) Nurtured Heart-practicing household is still very much alive and well, even after I groused all over it today.

Here is a sample of his commentary while he completed one of his assignments:

“I’m really working hard at this and focusing right now, Mama.

Because I remembered that this class has my favorite teacher, and I miss her.

I’m being respectful, and showing self-control…

And I could have just, like… thrown my glasses, and run off, and just start playing my Switch even though it’s not time yet…

but I didn’t!

I’m so proud of myself!”

What if we spoke to or about ourselves that way?

What if doing that could dismantle the ways we’ve internalized society’s oppressive structures?

What if we could all be that bold of heart?

To take a painful afternoon and still resolve to turn that lens toward how we handled it well, and what qualities we’re embodying, and how we’re not making it worse… and speak it?

Bring on *that* kind of transformation.

[Originally posted HERE]

Minecraft Minefield

I thought the crying was in my dream.

But when I was awakened from my nap (a nap!! Glorious!) by my 6 year old crawling onto my bed, I soon realized that I hadn’t been dreaming.

Me: “What’s up, bud? What have you and Daddy been doing?”

Wrong question.

His face crumples, a keening wail emerging from his little clenched core.

I’d struck a nerve. At least I was awake now.

I opened my arms to him as he nestled close, loudly sobbing into my ear, “MY MINECRAFT WORLD IS GONE! IT CRASHED AND DELETED”

Instant dread. He’s been working so hard on that world.

Just this morning he was so proud to show it to me, and spoke repeatedly of wanting to show classmates, grandparents, my (and my husband’s) friends, etc.

So I took a deep breath and tried to salvage this pain for something enduring without discounting it or distracting from it.

Me: “Ohhhh, wow. Oh, honey. I’m so sorry that happened. You have been working so hard on that game.”

Him: [continues to sob]

Me: [not wanting to talk too much here, focusing on supporting him while he lets this flow through him]

Him: [tapering off]

Me: “Mmm hmmm….. This is a big loss. Thank you for telling me about it.”

Him: [renewed tears as he remembers, rides the next wave of feeling]

This process repeats for a while, maybe 10 minutes.

I want to convey to him that I will support him through the full cycle of upset, and not put an arbitrary time limit on it.

At the same time, I want to also communicate that I will not focus on the upset itself, but rather I will devote my presence to seeing all the facets of the beauty of how he’s handling that pain.

Me: “Hey bud, you are just amazing me right now, can I tell you?”

Him: [Sits straight up and looks right at me, nods]

Me: “Oh good. I just want you to know… What you’re doing right now is so important, and so hard. Do I have it right, that when you found out the game was gone, you didn’t go into a rage, or break stuff, or try to hurt Daddy, or try to leave the house, or anything like that?”

Him: [tearfully] “Uh huh.”

Me: “WOW. That is seriously so powerful. Because you could have, right? You could have—I’ve heard all kinds of stories about kids whose games went wrong in some way, or got deleted or broken, and they just totally lost control and then ended up breaking way more things.

So the fact that you just felt the pain of it and let Daddy and I support you through it is some INCREDIBLE maturity, and self-control, and power. Even though it hurts so much."

Him: [Still looking at me, rapt, nodding]

Me: "AND, this also shows that you love yourself. You know? You have self-love, which is why you're giving yourself this time to feel."

Him: "And love for Papa, to show him."

Me: "YES! It shows how much you love your family and friends too, that you want to share your hard work with them, and make them happy with what you've created."

Him: [nodding some more, snuggling in]

Me: “And it will still keep coming in waves for a bit, and that’s okay. I want you to know that you can still talk to me about it when those waves come.

And you can know that your heart will handle every single one of those waves. Right? Because look how many they just handled already, over this!”

Him: [raggedy breaths, calmer now]

Then he gave me one last hug and hopped off the bed.

I want my son (especially as someone identified as male, as a white male) to have frequent, aware experiences of himself handling feelings without acting them out.

To find his strength in the healthy ways he bears pain and seeks loving support.

To know what he can inwardly withstand, and to not be afraid to use the crucial physiological release of crying—it’s there for all of us.

**UPDATE** We’ve since learned that we were able to restore some of the game, thanks to a backup!! What a gift!

[Originally posted HERE]

A New Kind of "What If"

I’m struggling today.

Every few minutes, when I manage to stop scrolling or busying myself with a phone game, I feel tears well up.

I exercised.

I drank a smoothie.

I’ve taken deep, slow breaths.

I made the bed.

Many times, these things help cue me into a bit more energetic focus and calm.

But… not today.

So what now?

The landscape of life right now feels (and in a lot of senses *genuinely is*) scary and dangerous and uncertain.

Things are literally on fire.

If I wanted evidence of hopelessness, it’s abundant.

But by now I’ve also learned that I have at least some power in the lens I choose for viewing my world and what’s around and within me.

Even typing that feels a bit … insufficient? As though I’m just saying, “Look on the bright side!” while the world falls apart.

Like I'm that wry meme of the cartoon dog in a room ablaze, blithely stating, “This is fine.”

But that’s not what I mean.

I know that there’s so, so much that’s out of our hands, individually. 

I’m human. I get swept away in anxiety, dread, insecurity… those were some of my default settings growing up, in fact.

So it’s often been especially hard for me to shift into seeing anything positive in a given moment. 

I don’t want to be blindsided by bad news, or caught off guard by something I hadn’t anticipated.

Because of that, I am an excellent ruminator, able to identify countless “what ifs,” often when I should be sleeping instead.

So here’s a What If: What if I used that same rumination skill in a different way?

What if I took that same, spinning antsy sensation and imagined it as raw fuel that can propel my thoughts in a new direction?

What if I used my decades of experience creatively generating possible tragedies to instead wonder, “What will I become even a little bit delighted by, today?”

What if I could pause and really ask, “Amidst all that’s going wrong or could go wrong… what is one little thing that is going right?”

Or if that feels impossible, “What is one thing that has gone wrong, but could have gone worse?”

Maybe we can’t move the needle toward the positive every moment. Or even every day.

Maybe it can be a win just to notice the needle, to notice the fact that we’re *trying* to shift our viewpoint.

When I start on this path, of “what is one thing that is going right, right now,” I am constantly amazed with everything that I find.

Sometimes, like today, it’s something like, “I am seeing myself bearing grief today, and struggling to feel anything but bad and scared, when I could be pretending or stuffing it down or numbing it or lashing out.”

Or: “In this moment, I see myself trying to protect myself from future pain by worrying and anticipating, but I also appreciate that by noticing this, I am resetting back to just letting myself feel some joy about something without squashing it for fear of its loss.”

We’ve evolved to have a strong negativity bias, which protected us as early humans who needed to be alert to dangers to survive.

Our nervous systems are so especially activated these days, with so many different kinds of threats (to government systems, to our physical health, to society, to our sense of connection, to bodies depending on skin color & gender, and so on).

These little moments of checking in with what isn’t failing might seem small in comparison.

But they add up.

They accumulate and multiply and rewire and become our new lens in a way that helps us to regulate and navigate all the threats with more agility and awareness.

They keep us active, and impactful, even in our own hearts.

If you ever need help with this process, please reach out; I’d love to help us shift to this kind of lens together.

Unpublished Work © 2020 Leah Marcus, MA

[Originally posted HERE]

Adult Self-Resets In A Pandemic

Earlier this year, an insightful and courageous parent reached out to me for some guidance on Nurtured Heart Approach implementation with their child.

This is a modified version of part of my response, which I’m sharing in case it helps anyone else (since it's still relevant!):

"First, you have just tons of awareness about the dynamics here, and I can sense your powerful motivation.

This virus is impacting the whole world in Very Big Ways right now, on a lot of levels.

Full disclosure, in my household we’re mostly going for survival here as we find our balance and figure out how to work with the energy of the household in this new form.

In saying that, I will just advise to be very gentle with yourself.

It’s hard when we notice energy leaks (or have them ourselves) and don’t know quite how to shore them up.

[By “energy leaks,” I mean ways we accidentally give our time/ attention/ energy/ relationship to situations or behaviors we want to see less of, but which accidentally draws out more of those situations/behaviors in doing so].

In typical times I would read what you’ve written and say “get more squeaky clean with Stand 1 [No energy to negativity] and Stand 2 [Instead, pour our attention/relationship/energy into noticing and celebrating any bits of positive as we can]…

…before worrying too much about Stand 3/Reset [Clarity of rules and consequences, based on our values].

Get the flow going of your No and your Yes in terms of what YOU will show up for with your presence.”

And that’s still true. It’s just harder now.

NHA® creator Howard Glasser would say that this is a beautiful opportunity to level up in how we greet the energies of the day.

For me, when I’m feeling more down and disconnected or worn down, it’s hard to access *any* energy.

That’s when I turn to my breath.

Really taking some conscious, steady breaths while I visualize allllll the little ways I’m showing greatness in the moment.

For me sometimes that starts with, “I notice myself gracefully bearing the weight of grief right now,” and I go from there.

[I want to add a bit about this turning to the breath to access that very energy of inertia.

As Howard pointed out to me in a recent comment, the felt absence of energy is its own energy, it takes work to stay cut off from it too.

Specifically, he says:

“I would say that a choice I am trying to make when I feel that similar place in me (worn down and disconnected) is that this too is energy.

Staying in that place requires energy and staying inert is effort too.

It’s a little more of a subtle form of energy but that said I've typically been able to reach into these variations of energy too and there's quite a bit of 'nectar' there to harvest.

More than a few times I've plowed that energy into forms of empowerment - activation - mobilization... medicine for the enervating energies and truly qualities of greatness.”

I love this body of work for how it’s shifted my own perception of emotion from threat into signal, into a cue, an invitation.

And now too, when my nervous system wants to freeze, this work helps shift that freeze into freedom—

—freedom to breathe, to move my body, to acknowledge myself and the gifts of the moment, to wake up, to see, to live.]

This is a season of getting really good at the Adult Self-Reset, before we get too focused on resetting a kid or worrying about what happens when they don’t.

When people are sheltering at home, as so many are now, we need more than ever to utilize that phenomenon of co-regulation (regulating ourselves which helps children around us regulate).

Reset yourself *out loud* when your child shows defiance:

“Whew, I need to take a minute and reset! I’m handling some big feelings really well right now!

I want to yell and lecture and instead I am just going to breathe,” etc.

Remember also that this is virus is somewhat unprecedented in that our nervous systems don’t really have a collective memory of this.

They don’t know whether to fight (how?), flee (can’t go anywhere), or freeze (shut down, lethargy, etc), so a lot of times they pick the latter.

Which leads intense kids to wonder “where’d [my caregiver] go?” and act accordingly to get us to really show up, when all we may want to do is hunker down and hide.

I’d love to know what resonated here and any questions you have, and we could go from there.

I’d also HIGHLY recommend the newer NHA® book, “Taking A Stand: The Art, Science, and Practice of Resetting.”

Phenomenal resource, with lots of practical ideas.

Thank you again for reaching out, and take very good care! You’re doing hard things really well!"

If this speaks to you, I'm just an email away:

Leah@ReachYourHeartOut.com

[Originally posted HERE]

Pictured: One of my recent Adult Self-Resets mentioned above, and a bit of beauty on a recent walk with my son.

"Carnage" and Repair

[This happened in March, but I wanted to write/post about it since it (and COVID) is still relevant.]

This is the “carnage” from my 6 year old’s BIG big big tumultuous release of feelings just now.

What I would have seen before learning Howard Glasser's Nurtured Heart Approach®:
- What a mess!
- Why is he freaking out over an applesauce pouch?
- Ugh, why does he need to eat AGAIN?
- Is he seriously going to throw every single one of these #%&$ stuffed animals at me?
- Why do we have so many giant bears?
- When is this crying ever going to end (it was 13 minutes straight)?
- This is not how I imagined my Saturday going…
- How can he treat me like this?

What I see now:

- No WONDER he’s having a huge cry over an “insignificant” thing, he’s been holding so much together for the past couple weeks
- He is glancing at the wall and throwing only soft things at me, he’s still making sure he won’t hurt me or himself, while still getting all this tension out
- I know this won’t last forever, even if it feels like it
- If I let him release this in a supported way, there’s a happy, peaceful kid on the other side
- He’s not screaming, scratching, biting, pinching, breaking anything, kicking hard, pushing, or harming himself in this moment

I just got onto the floor with him, let him know I was here, guarded from any rogue kicks, and tried to just stay quiet as he worked through it.

It wasn’t the time for a lecture, or correction, or explanation, or trying to reason with him, or punishing him... he wouldn’t have been able to really take it in anyway.

So I tried to just help him co-regulate by keeping myself as grounded as I could.

After about 15 minutes, he went upstairs seeking food (a wise impulse). Lots of spontaneous deep breaths.

As he ate, I quietly told him everything I noticed him doing or not doing that revealed his great qualities.

I was a detective, looking for any little molecules of rightness I could find and expand upon, providing as much evidence as I could.

For example:

“Bud, you were so powerful down there. You could have really hurt me but I could see you watching me and the wall and adjusting your movements so we were both safe. That is some *major* self-control right there, even as you were so upset.”

A few minutes later, he leaned over to give me a spontaneous hug. Lots of smiles. He drew a picture for his dad, and then he and I collaborated on one.

I went back downstairs to take a moment, and when he came to find me, he eagerly cleaned up all this stuff with no argument.

He’s now singing to himself as he builds a train track nearby. He seems so much lighter.

I just remarked to him that he used the energy of his upset to reset himself, and he replied:

“I started out sad and then I calmed down THROUGH my crying, and then I suddenly realized that I wanted to do this [playing].”

And for everyone reading this and thinking “Ha, yeah right. There’s no way I could wait through all that when I have [other kids] [work from home] [etc] to deal with”...

I hear you. I see you. There’s so many levels of disruption right now.

I would just offer that if you can manage to share with your child any bits of your calm you can find, as they find ways to release the tension they’re so extra attuned to these days, that investment can pay off for a LONG time.

The Nurtured Heart Approach is a proactive one, teaching people how to redirect the precious energy they’re *already* spending (trying to manage or react to intense behaviors)...

...into ways that really nourish on the front end and prevent a lot of those behaviors in the first place.

It’s not about expending yet more energy that no one has in abundance lately, but about optimizing your current energy supply/use.

Reach out to me if you want to learn more, I would love to help support you!

[Originally posted HERE]

Peace In A Pandemic event, August 2020 (Register through 8/7!)

My colleague and fellow NHA Advanced Trainer Nicole Semmens and I are thrilled to be offering a 3-week, 6-session course that goes deep into the Nurtured Heart Approach and how it can help people survive and thrive in this COVID-19 pandemic.

Flyer is below, and you can find more details here: PeaceInAPandemic.eventbrite.com

We also recently recorded a conversation about NHA and the course, which you can view here:

https://youtu.be/5LhLbLpHLdg

Transcript of conversation here:

Leah: Hi everybody! I’m Leah Marcus.

Nicole: And I’m Nicole Semmens!

L: And we’re both Advanced Trainers in the Nurtured Heart Approach® and we wanted to record a little conversation about what the NHA® is, in a nutshell, and how it has served us right now in this pandemic and how we want to help people going into this school year with a course that we’re offering. It’s going to be 3 weeks, 6 sessions, Wednesday evenings and Saturday afternoons. You can find out all the details at PeaceInAPandemic.eventbrite.com. Nicole, do you want to give a little nutshell description about what NHA is, first, for anybody watching this? [laughing]

N: [laughing] Wow, no pressure! This question of the elevator pitch… thanks so much for asking, Leah! I see how curious you are! [laughing at Leah putting Nicole on the spot] Leah, I don’t know how to answer that question in one minute! 

L: Right, it’s a lifetime thing!

N: Exactly, it’s a lifetime thing. And it’s not something you can really explain in two seconds, because you know, you could say it’s rooted in the Three Stands™, which is about not energizing negativity, and recognizing everything we see going well, and being really clear with our limits and boundaries, but when you say that it just sounds so simple. And yet, it’s really not. This is something that we use daily and it challenges us daily, even as certified trainers, right?

L: Right!

N: And yet, it’s been a total game-changer for both of us, in our lives, personally and professionally. 

L: Right. And we each learned about it and came to it from different places. I came to it as a therapist originally, you came to it as the mama of a struggling kindergartener, and it’s a body of work that was originated by Howard Glasser, who was a therapist working with really intense, challenging kids and families. And it has since blossomed into something that is really about relationship. And so if you have a relationship with anybody, even yourself, there’s something in it that can be really transformative. Even in a very short time. There’s aspects of it that feel very common sense, like “oh my gosh, of course, why didn’t I think of this?” While at the same time aspects of it feel almost revolutionary, in terms of a lot of the dominant cultural norms and ways that we approach behavior and discipline, and interaction.

N: And that’s with children, though, but with adults too!

L: Absolutely. I wanted to know from you, how NHA has impacted your pandemic life.

N: Oh my gosh…

L: And how you’ve used it, how you’ve brought it in… which might be hard to kind of tease out.

N: I know, that’s a loaded question. We’ve been hunkered down since March! You know, I don’t even know how I would have navigated up to this point if it wasn’t for NHA, and all of those strategies to help me stay grounded, to help me stay regulated, because this has been a really stressful time for so many of us. One minute, our kids are going to school, and the next minute I got a call saying “Hey, they’re coming home today and they’ll be home until further notice!” You know, using the strategies of this approach have really truly helped me stay grounded for myself but also for my family, to try to keep that stress at bay, so we can use those reservoirs of our energy in a way that makes sense. Because we could use all of our energy complaining about so many things, as it relates to this pandemic, right?

L: There’s so much intensity—in the home, in ourselves, in the news, in the world, any time I’ve talked to my circle, my social circles, oh my goodness—that’s all we talk about, if we’re not careful! It takes over everything. So what I have loved about NHA is … I mean, I, historically, have felt really threatened by big emotions, or a feeling of intense energy, whether it’s coming from within me or from somebody else, or a situation, but with this paradigm, I don’t feel threatened by that anymore, I’ve been able to come to see it as fuel to help fuel my choices of “okay, here’s the situation, I'm not pretending it doesn’t exist, but what do I want to do with it? What do I want to use this fuel for? Do I want to blow up, or do I want to propel to some other way of thinking about it, or way of responding to it, and that’s so empowering in this situation where so much has been taken away from people! We don’t have our normal array of choices, coping skills, outlets, escapes, whatever. And so we’ve got this free-floating, churning energy sometimes that doesn’t know what to do with itself, and it’s showing up as way worse behaviors at home from our kids, or we’re snapping at each other, or… you know, it’s just hard! Or we are going to sink into despair and just go totally numb, and that doesn’t serve us either. So for me it’s been this re-centering force of getting back into whatever power I DO have, to really know that, and to choose what I do with it.

N: That was beautifully said! I like how you were talking about how so many things have been taken away from us, and you included coping skills in that. And just speaking to that really quickly, I think for me—The Nurtured Heart Approach, those are my coping skills. They're not only my coping skills, it’s the way I function now, but thankfully they are my coping skills so when I am able to really remember what this approach is all about and how we can navigate any situation [connection broke], it’s so empowering, I can handle anything! I can handle anything. Because I get to choose where I put my energy and where I’m not. That’s up to me. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are. And that’s something I’m working on teaching my tween daughter and teenage son, you know, because they’re at an age — I’ve got a 12 year old and a 16 year old, and it can be really easy to start instigating negativity and feeding off of that, and it’s really a gift to be able to teach children how to be empowered and how to navigate even the most challenging situations. This summer has not been, you know, the best summer! Challenges!

L: Yeah, to know that we can notice the worry, honor the worry, and then use the energy of that worry and aim it toward acknowledging all of the amazing ways, for example, my 6 year old son has adapted to all the changes—not being able to see his friends in person, or learning how to live on Zoom a little bit. That feels so much more active, and it feels protective against my [own] tendency toward, you know, depression or anxiety. …Another thing that comes to mind is, for us at least… we’re sort of living more or less the same day over and over. And so it’s the difficult side of being in the moment, because it’s like ‘I don’t like this moment! It’s a hard moment to be in every day, over and over!’ It’s this weird Groundhog Day kind of thing! And then with the Nurtured Heart lens— I kind of think of it as a lens— we can see, ‘okay, wait a minute— let’s zoom in on facets of this moment, aspects of this, to see the progress that I have made in adapting to this [pandemic], or in my work, or  in whatever character I’m building in myself, whatever character qualities—those aren’t wiped clean every day and then I start over. Those are building. And so really looking at ‘what is that, and how can I amplify that, to honor whatever I have been doing with this process,’ rather than ‘It’s the same day over and over, nothing’s getting any better, there’s no light at the end of this and I’m screwing up everything,’ etc. That [latter thinking] doesn’t help me, that doesn’t help me parent [well], so that resetting of that lens has been huge too.

N: One of my favorite quotes is ‘What you see depends on what you look for.’ And it sounds so simple, and yet it’s so true. If you choose to see all the crap going on in our country, in this world, with this pandemic, I mean, all of it— you’re going to find it. You’re going to find it. You could talk all day long about it. But if instead I choose to focus on what blessings have come out of this, what good stuff can I honor and recognize in my kids, in my family, in myself, in other people… there’s so much!

L: There’s so much. And that doesn’t mean that we ignore all the [bad] stuff, but by acknowledging, by locating ourselves in that as, you know… ‘Look at all that’s going well, all that we’re choosing well, all that we’re able to still muster the courage to do… *even though* there’s all this going on,’ that equips us more to be able to actually impact that stuff that is so difficult, and all the stuff that’s going wrong.

Both: [pause]

N: I mean, we could talk for hours about this! And we do!

L: We do! [laughing]

N: We do! We talk for hours about this, because even though we teach it, we love it, we live it, and I feel like every time we get together, Leah, you and I are talking about the latest and greatest with your son, or with my son or my daughter, you know, and it’s a blessing. So even though in some ways this pandemic has made every day kind of the same, I think thanks to Nurtured Heart every moment isn’t the same, every day isn’t the same, because you know, ‘What am I looking for today? Oh my gosh, look at that! My son took the laundry without being asked! That’s amazing! That’s initiative, I love it, that definitely doesn’t happen every day…'

L: But that builds that so that our children get the sense of like, ‘I’m a person who contributes at home. I am a person who is resilient. I am a person who can get through a pandemic, and know who I am.’ Nurtured Heart Approach is kind of about changing the whole climate, the overall climate. There are strategies in it that can transform a moment, *and* it’s also kind of the long game. It’s something that lasts way beyond just putting out fires in the moment and getting to bedtime. ...It’s a super-charged way of really seeing people for who they are deep down, to help them remember that, to help us remember that, so that we can be as connected as we can, which right now feels more important than ever, to figure out true, deep ways of connecting and remembering that we’re all in this together.
So, again: Our link to our event, our 3 week class (which starts August 12— Registration is open through Friday, August 7, 2020) is PeaceInAPandemic.eventbrite.com. And we want to help you find peace, in a pandemic, that is lasting and enduring beyond whatever this next school year brings—oh my goodness, because I don’t know!— But I love having this tool, this really powerful set of tools. 

N: I feel like I would be a hot mess if not for this approach, I really do.

L: I was going to say! This did not come naturally to me. I grew up so anxious, and so, like—my energy was all directed inward, to anxiety and perfectionism and all this, so when I learned this, I think some people see me parenting now, and they think, ‘Oh, yes, Leah’s very zen,’ and it’s like: No. This has been such a life saver because I have not always felt calm, cool, collected, or empowered. And I don’t know about you, I don’t want to speak for you, but this is not [just] for people who are already chill! It’s for people who are really overwhelmed with their children’s behaviors, or their relationship with their partner… I mean, there’s this… the energy between people is really under-examined and under-used. So this is about how to make the most of that as well.

N: Yeah. You know, one thing I love about the fact that you and I are doing this together, Leah, is that our energy is very different. You said that all of your energy was inward—anxiety, etc.— and mine is all like THIS [gestures arms outward], and always has been. And when I was a teenager, I was like, 'Don’t mess with me!’ My energy was loud, and probably obnoxious, and there’s something about this approach that’s just helped me channel that. So it’s not about me not being me, it’s just ‘Okay, so I have a lot of outward energy, I have a lot of passion,’ and this approach has helped me use that as fuel, like you said earlier, and channel the best parts of that energy of mine, so that I can give it out to my children, to my husband, to strangers on the street!

L: Yeah. It’s not about turning anybody into zombies, or getting rid of this beautiful intensity that people have, either inward or outward or both. It’s about, how do we use that really well, in the service of relationship?

N: Yeah. It’s about helping us be the best versions of who we are. It’s not about trying to be anybody else.

L: Mm hmm. And acknowledging every little baby step toward who that is. I mean right now, a lot of people’s Best is like, just getting out of bed. Making it through the day. And there’s so much even in *that* that is worth celebrating.

N: Absolutely!

L: And that’s what we want to bring, starting August 12-29 on Wednesdays and Saturdays! PeaceInAPandemic.eventbrite.com. We would love love love to have you there. Thank you so much!

3 Ways to Help Your Child Move Through Tough Emotions

Last summer, my then 5 year old son and I were playing Sneaky Snacky Squirrel.

(If you’re not familiar with this alliterative board game, it’s got a spinner, a selection of colored plastic acorns for filling up spaces in tree trunk game boards, and a high-demand pair of acorn tweezers shaped like a squirrel.)

My son had wanted to spin to get a purple acorn like I had, but I had already set a limit to keep it to one spin each. I could tell he had some emotion that needed release— he’d gone through a big transition out of preschool and getting his own bedroom, etc.— so the limit was to actually enable that emotional release as he pushed against my boundary.

As expected, his face crumpled— BIG tears. He crawled under the dining room table to sob while I sat nearby and softly said supportive things and gently wiped his nose occasionally, etc.

These kind of moments can feel like they last forever, but I used that time to choose how I wanted to look at the situation.

I commended him for his good choices (including his decision to not make worse choices): I acknowledged him for not wrecking the game, not trying to cheat, not hurting himself or me, not running away, just safely and deeply feeling his disappointment.

When his crying subsided (after 300 years, but actually maybe 2 or 3 minutes), we got right back to the game. I took my turn, spinning the spinner… and was instructed to steal one of his acorns.

OH GREAT, I thought, bracing myself.

I thought for sure he’d lose it all over again, but he shocked me by offering his red acorn (his favorite color at the time) and saying this:

“Mama I want you to have my red acorn because I love you.”

If you’re reading this and wondering how we got to that point, remember that the biggest impact in your relationship with your child will be things YOU do, not things you tell your child to do!

Here are a few things you can do as the adult, that can help when big feelings arise at home:

1. Take a deep breath...and then go ahead and take several more. Using a longer exhale than your inhale helps to cue your body that you’re safe.

Hum on the exhale too, if you’re able. This also cues your animal brain that you're safe and it's not an emergency. If you are super dysregulated and overwhelmed, you will accidentally feed your child’s upset.

In the words of author L.R. Knost, ”When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos."

2. Ensure safety, of course, but notice what you’re noticing. Notice where your energy’s going. Venting or animatedly expressing upset about your child’s upset, in the moment, is like adding gasoline to the fire— would you want to add even a drop, if you knew what it would do?

Now, I’m not blaming adults for their child’s feelings or the expression of them. Rather, I’m reminding all of us adults that we actually have tremendous power in de-escalation, depending on the lens we use for a situation. Escalation is not inevitable.

3. Don’t get ahead of yourself— REALLY look at what’s happening with your child, AND what they’re not doing that would make things worse. This is a little-used but incredibly powerful angle to use in looking at a situation, and it’s a reality-based tool that can offer a powerful personal reset.

Because the truth is, maybe your child is yelling but NOT hitting, and how much of a bummer would that be if they were hitting too? And sure, maybe they're also not calmly asking or saying please, but acknowledging the lack of hitting can help them move a bit closer to the behavior you’re ultimately hoping for.

In summary, it can be so healing (and ultimately more efficient) to give kids opportunities to fall apart in your safe presence and to feel their feelings fully.

Humans need that, at any age. It’s a scary and loud and uncomfortable process and feels like it takes forever, but it clears out so much and makes room for so much love and flexibility.“

And as adults, if we see our number one job during a heightened moment as getting as steady as we can so we can choose what we see and do next, we might be shocked at how much more peace there is at home.

[Originally posted HERE]

Not New Landscapes, But New Eyes

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."

–Marcel Proust

This pandemic has, at least for me, been a time of seeing the same landscape over and over, and honestly getting pretty sick of it.

Same house, day after day, ugh.

Same people, no escape.

Same activities, and none of the ones I really am itching to be able to do.

No wonder the tendrils of depression and despair have been creeping back into my psyche.

Now that I've realized that that's been happening, what can I do about it?

If I can't literally find new landscapes right now, can I look at my current one with a fresh lens? With new eyes, as Proust says?

What if I could see my child's behaviors as release valves of tension, as bids for connection?

What if I could view my 6 year old's continuous mouth sounds as echolocation, as ways he feels safe and able to use his voice?

What if I could learn to view any difficult emotion that bubbles up as energetic fuel that can be used to propel me toward my intentions and values and choices, rather than as something that's "disrupting my peace" (read: shaking up my sense of numbness)?

What if I could see the fullness of my impact on my son NOT as a burden (the pressure of knowing he's always watching me, seeing my mistakes, etc.), but rather as an empowering gift?

Listen--This is a battle for me, moment by moment. But I have spent the last near-decade honing my use of the Nurtured Heart Approach® lens, and it has made a critical impact in how I am able to function (even, dare I say it, *grow*) during these times.

The NHA® teaches not only how to view your child's behavior in a new way, but also how to get crystal clear about our values and intentions so we can use *any* intensity that comes our way (from our child, from our partner, from the world, from within) in transformative ways.

It's not about expending yet more energy on learning just another parenting technique.

It's about looking at how we're *already* spending our energy in any given moment, and getting purposeful about where we want to be directing it instead.

How To Turn The Day Around In 3 Minutes, No Matter What Happened

About a month into sheltering at home during the pandemic, I was helping my 6 year old son hand-write a letter to his grandparents.

By “helping” I mean I was being extremely impatient and cranky, because any time we do school-y stuff it brings up my grief over not having access to his actual, wonderful, in-person school.

I was getting more hopeless by the minute, and really beating up on myself for how much fun I was sucking out of the whole process, and how badly I was failing as an impromptu teacher.

Then I started future-tripping, thinking ahead to “How the &%$#@ many more months of this will there be? Will my son end up hating learning? What if he never learns to write??" (note: he already can, that’s how far gone I was)

It was too early in the day to just send everyone to bed. But by then my son had stormed off, upset and defeated.

Cue more self-flagellation on my part, at the dinner table.

But even with that several seconds of quiet (after the storm), my nervous system finally had the space to let me know, “This isn’t working.”

I badly needed to reset, but I was clinging to the energy that my self-directed ranting was providing. Then I remembered something I learned from my Nurtured Heart Approach® training:

This is all energy: energy we can use. I can either use this as jet fuel to raise me out of this yuck, or I can let it blow me up into rage, despair, you name it.

I made a tired, incremental choice to try to repair, and took a big breath. As I breathed I tried to gather up every cellular bit of energy I could through my lungs, and then breathe it back out, a bit more renewed and aware.

This takes practice, of course. It’s not the easy choice. But it works.

By that time my son had returned to the table, more cheered. If I didn’t have my Nurtured Heart training I might have just grumbled, “finally” and moved on with our day.

But with this approach, one of my favorite features is that even if I “miss the moment,” I can always create a moment later, to share what I admired about something and express appreciation.

Here was our exchange, at this point:

Me: “Hey bud, can I tell you what I noticed about a little bit ago?”

Him: “Yeah?”

Me: “It looked like you were pretty upset before, when you went up to your room.”

Him: “Yeah, I was frustrated that I didn't get to play my [video game] yet.”

Me: “Ahhh. Well, I just wanted to say, I saw you take yourself to your room, your safe place, when you were upset. You didn't interrupt Daddy's work call, you didn't get crabby back at me, you didn't try to hurt me, you didn't even yell. You were super mature and wise in how you handled that feeling. You just went off to reset yourself.”

Him: “YEAH! And I went to reset myself, so you could reset YOURself!”

Me: “I really appreciate that! And you know what? It worked, bud. When you went to reset, that was my cue to reset myself too, and it really helped.”

Him: “Oh good! That's what I was going forward to!“

(And the thing is, even if I didn’t have a child, I could have a version of that conversation *with myself,* noticing any little successes to amplify, and acknowledging myself for any ways I didn’t make it worse.)

Even when it feels like our fate is set, the day is ruined, the damage is done, we always have some little bit of choice as to what we will “go forward to.”

It takes courage. It takes flexibility. It takes vulnerability sometimes. It takes a willingness to let go of “being right” in order to “make it right.”

But when “resetting” becomes a part of any given day, often many times a day, it stops feeling like a punishment or a time out or something to live down, or any kind of a defeat.

Instead, it’s a chance to come back to your best self with a fresh chance and a new lens for seeing any little thing that’s going right…or not going as wrong as it could have.

Unpublished Work © 2020 Leah Marcus

[Originally posted HERE]

My Why -- No More "Loud Mouth" Shame

When I found this photograph, I hardly recognized myself.

This was not the little girl I remember being. This open, curious, feisty, wonder-filled facial expression was not one I remember wearing often.

My memory has been much more tinged with the anxiety and perfectionism that plagued my school years.

I alternately cringe and smile as I recall some of my coping mechanisms:

Tight belts.
Slicked/sprayed hair.
Academic achievement.
Emulating others’ styles.
Silence.
Literally worrying into the night about what I’d major in in college…while still in 4th grade.

My parents were supportive, loving, as available as they could be. Yet I have distinct memories of being scared of school, of wishing I could numb out and not experience any of it.

I wanted to sleep through it, basically, and then wake up when it was time to graduate.

How did I shift from that little girl in the photo… to what I just described?

I can’t pinpoint an exact moment, but one of my first school memories is a moment in first grade.

I can remember where in the classroom I was sitting. Another classmate had spoken out of turn.

Before I knew it, our teacher walked to the front of the room, turned to the board, drew a square box, drew a face with a large “O” mouth… and wrote “Loud Mouth” next to it.

I still remember the name of the classmate she wrote inside the box. It terrified me.

In all my school years I can remember maybe one time I ever got my name on the board myself; I was mostly too scared of that possibility to risk acting out.

But every school day I felt the shrapnel of my classmates getting in trouble. If any teacher scolded the class as a group, I felt it as though it was all aimed at me.

Why am I sharing this story?

Because no one would have been able to tell, from the outside, what I was experiencing. On parent-teacher conference days, I always got glowing, “she’s a pleasure to teach” sort of feedback.

I know there are so many other kids like I was who seem fine on the outside, who are objectively doing well academically, but whose beautiful sensitive intensity turns inward and doesn’t know how to be helpful to their body.

Even into my adulthood, I often felt threatened by any strong emotion, and would strive to stay even-keeled and neutral if possible.

I had been in therapy several times in my life — heck, I even have a therapist for a mother, I became a therapist myself… I had tried so many things and been to so much training over the years.

But learning the Nurtured Heart Approach® nearly a decade ago was (and continues to be) revolutionary to me. It was the first thing that really helped me know *what to do* with *any* emotional energy that showed up—positive or negative.

The Nurtured Heart Approach taught me that any arising emotional energy could become fuel for loving action, and that I could have a choice in what I did with that energy, even if I can’t control when it shows up.

I want to help families experience this paradigm shift. I want all families to flourish. Not just families with children who act out in big ways, but families with children whose intensity points inward.

Those kids may be compliant, but they need just as much help deeply knowing who they are and how they can wield their inner energy in beautiful, empowered ways.

Through the NHA®, I’ve been finding that little, wide-eyed, curious, daring girl inside me.

I now have potent, specific language through this approach, so I can give myself exactly what I wish the adults around me had the tools to give at the time.

Because that’s really what this story is all about— I’m not here to make anyone the villain. It’s just a matter of the tools everyone had available to them at the time, and I am so grateful for this particular toolbox, even a few decades “late” for me.

[Originally posted HERE]

NHA Intro Workshop in July!

Exciting news! I will be giving an online introductory workshop coming up this Wednesday, 7/29 from 8-9:30 pm (EST)!

This intro is especially for any parents and/or educators struggling with intense behavior in children, and who may be feeling exhausted, stressed, overwhelmed, depleted, enraged, hopeless... the list goes on.

If you want to learn how big shifts at home are more possible than you might think, without having to expend additional energy, please consider attending.

Once registered, you will receive an email that provides access to the Zoom link, printable notes pages, handouts, and other helpful resources, all right on the event page!

All the info is here: www.NHAIntro7_29_20.eventbrite.com

Facebook event: https://www.facebook.com/events/971715836584423