Peace In A Pandemic event, August 2020 (Register through 8/7!)

My colleague and fellow NHA Advanced Trainer Nicole Semmens and I are thrilled to be offering a 3-week, 6-session course that goes deep into the Nurtured Heart Approach and how it can help people survive and thrive in this COVID-19 pandemic.

Flyer is below, and you can find more details here: PeaceInAPandemic.eventbrite.com

We also recently recorded a conversation about NHA and the course, which you can view here:

https://youtu.be/5LhLbLpHLdg

Transcript of conversation here:

Leah: Hi everybody! I’m Leah Marcus.

Nicole: And I’m Nicole Semmens!

L: And we’re both Advanced Trainers in the Nurtured Heart Approach® and we wanted to record a little conversation about what the NHA® is, in a nutshell, and how it has served us right now in this pandemic and how we want to help people going into this school year with a course that we’re offering. It’s going to be 3 weeks, 6 sessions, Wednesday evenings and Saturday afternoons. You can find out all the details at PeaceInAPandemic.eventbrite.com. Nicole, do you want to give a little nutshell description about what NHA is, first, for anybody watching this? [laughing]

N: [laughing] Wow, no pressure! This question of the elevator pitch… thanks so much for asking, Leah! I see how curious you are! [laughing at Leah putting Nicole on the spot] Leah, I don’t know how to answer that question in one minute! 

L: Right, it’s a lifetime thing!

N: Exactly, it’s a lifetime thing. And it’s not something you can really explain in two seconds, because you know, you could say it’s rooted in the Three Stands™, which is about not energizing negativity, and recognizing everything we see going well, and being really clear with our limits and boundaries, but when you say that it just sounds so simple. And yet, it’s really not. This is something that we use daily and it challenges us daily, even as certified trainers, right?

L: Right!

N: And yet, it’s been a total game-changer for both of us, in our lives, personally and professionally. 

L: Right. And we each learned about it and came to it from different places. I came to it as a therapist originally, you came to it as the mama of a struggling kindergartener, and it’s a body of work that was originated by Howard Glasser, who was a therapist working with really intense, challenging kids and families. And it has since blossomed into something that is really about relationship. And so if you have a relationship with anybody, even yourself, there’s something in it that can be really transformative. Even in a very short time. There’s aspects of it that feel very common sense, like “oh my gosh, of course, why didn’t I think of this?” While at the same time aspects of it feel almost revolutionary, in terms of a lot of the dominant cultural norms and ways that we approach behavior and discipline, and interaction.

N: And that’s with children, though, but with adults too!

L: Absolutely. I wanted to know from you, how NHA has impacted your pandemic life.

N: Oh my gosh…

L: And how you’ve used it, how you’ve brought it in… which might be hard to kind of tease out.

N: I know, that’s a loaded question. We’ve been hunkered down since March! You know, I don’t even know how I would have navigated up to this point if it wasn’t for NHA, and all of those strategies to help me stay grounded, to help me stay regulated, because this has been a really stressful time for so many of us. One minute, our kids are going to school, and the next minute I got a call saying “Hey, they’re coming home today and they’ll be home until further notice!” You know, using the strategies of this approach have really truly helped me stay grounded for myself but also for my family, to try to keep that stress at bay, so we can use those reservoirs of our energy in a way that makes sense. Because we could use all of our energy complaining about so many things, as it relates to this pandemic, right?

L: There’s so much intensity—in the home, in ourselves, in the news, in the world, any time I’ve talked to my circle, my social circles, oh my goodness—that’s all we talk about, if we’re not careful! It takes over everything. So what I have loved about NHA is … I mean, I, historically, have felt really threatened by big emotions, or a feeling of intense energy, whether it’s coming from within me or from somebody else, or a situation, but with this paradigm, I don’t feel threatened by that anymore, I’ve been able to come to see it as fuel to help fuel my choices of “okay, here’s the situation, I'm not pretending it doesn’t exist, but what do I want to do with it? What do I want to use this fuel for? Do I want to blow up, or do I want to propel to some other way of thinking about it, or way of responding to it, and that’s so empowering in this situation where so much has been taken away from people! We don’t have our normal array of choices, coping skills, outlets, escapes, whatever. And so we’ve got this free-floating, churning energy sometimes that doesn’t know what to do with itself, and it’s showing up as way worse behaviors at home from our kids, or we’re snapping at each other, or… you know, it’s just hard! Or we are going to sink into despair and just go totally numb, and that doesn’t serve us either. So for me it’s been this re-centering force of getting back into whatever power I DO have, to really know that, and to choose what I do with it.

N: That was beautifully said! I like how you were talking about how so many things have been taken away from us, and you included coping skills in that. And just speaking to that really quickly, I think for me—The Nurtured Heart Approach, those are my coping skills. They're not only my coping skills, it’s the way I function now, but thankfully they are my coping skills so when I am able to really remember what this approach is all about and how we can navigate any situation [connection broke], it’s so empowering, I can handle anything! I can handle anything. Because I get to choose where I put my energy and where I’m not. That’s up to me. It doesn’t matter what the circumstances are. And that’s something I’m working on teaching my tween daughter and teenage son, you know, because they’re at an age — I’ve got a 12 year old and a 16 year old, and it can be really easy to start instigating negativity and feeding off of that, and it’s really a gift to be able to teach children how to be empowered and how to navigate even the most challenging situations. This summer has not been, you know, the best summer! Challenges!

L: Yeah, to know that we can notice the worry, honor the worry, and then use the energy of that worry and aim it toward acknowledging all of the amazing ways, for example, my 6 year old son has adapted to all the changes—not being able to see his friends in person, or learning how to live on Zoom a little bit. That feels so much more active, and it feels protective against my [own] tendency toward, you know, depression or anxiety. …Another thing that comes to mind is, for us at least… we’re sort of living more or less the same day over and over. And so it’s the difficult side of being in the moment, because it’s like ‘I don’t like this moment! It’s a hard moment to be in every day, over and over!’ It’s this weird Groundhog Day kind of thing! And then with the Nurtured Heart lens— I kind of think of it as a lens— we can see, ‘okay, wait a minute— let’s zoom in on facets of this moment, aspects of this, to see the progress that I have made in adapting to this [pandemic], or in my work, or  in whatever character I’m building in myself, whatever character qualities—those aren’t wiped clean every day and then I start over. Those are building. And so really looking at ‘what is that, and how can I amplify that, to honor whatever I have been doing with this process,’ rather than ‘It’s the same day over and over, nothing’s getting any better, there’s no light at the end of this and I’m screwing up everything,’ etc. That [latter thinking] doesn’t help me, that doesn’t help me parent [well], so that resetting of that lens has been huge too.

N: One of my favorite quotes is ‘What you see depends on what you look for.’ And it sounds so simple, and yet it’s so true. If you choose to see all the crap going on in our country, in this world, with this pandemic, I mean, all of it— you’re going to find it. You’re going to find it. You could talk all day long about it. But if instead I choose to focus on what blessings have come out of this, what good stuff can I honor and recognize in my kids, in my family, in myself, in other people… there’s so much!

L: There’s so much. And that doesn’t mean that we ignore all the [bad] stuff, but by acknowledging, by locating ourselves in that as, you know… ‘Look at all that’s going well, all that we’re choosing well, all that we’re able to still muster the courage to do… *even though* there’s all this going on,’ that equips us more to be able to actually impact that stuff that is so difficult, and all the stuff that’s going wrong.

Both: [pause]

N: I mean, we could talk for hours about this! And we do!

L: We do! [laughing]

N: We do! We talk for hours about this, because even though we teach it, we love it, we live it, and I feel like every time we get together, Leah, you and I are talking about the latest and greatest with your son, or with my son or my daughter, you know, and it’s a blessing. So even though in some ways this pandemic has made every day kind of the same, I think thanks to Nurtured Heart every moment isn’t the same, every day isn’t the same, because you know, ‘What am I looking for today? Oh my gosh, look at that! My son took the laundry without being asked! That’s amazing! That’s initiative, I love it, that definitely doesn’t happen every day…'

L: But that builds that so that our children get the sense of like, ‘I’m a person who contributes at home. I am a person who is resilient. I am a person who can get through a pandemic, and know who I am.’ Nurtured Heart Approach is kind of about changing the whole climate, the overall climate. There are strategies in it that can transform a moment, *and* it’s also kind of the long game. It’s something that lasts way beyond just putting out fires in the moment and getting to bedtime. ...It’s a super-charged way of really seeing people for who they are deep down, to help them remember that, to help us remember that, so that we can be as connected as we can, which right now feels more important than ever, to figure out true, deep ways of connecting and remembering that we’re all in this together.
So, again: Our link to our event, our 3 week class (which starts August 12— Registration is open through Friday, August 7, 2020) is PeaceInAPandemic.eventbrite.com. And we want to help you find peace, in a pandemic, that is lasting and enduring beyond whatever this next school year brings—oh my goodness, because I don’t know!— But I love having this tool, this really powerful set of tools. 

N: I feel like I would be a hot mess if not for this approach, I really do.

L: I was going to say! This did not come naturally to me. I grew up so anxious, and so, like—my energy was all directed inward, to anxiety and perfectionism and all this, so when I learned this, I think some people see me parenting now, and they think, ‘Oh, yes, Leah’s very zen,’ and it’s like: No. This has been such a life saver because I have not always felt calm, cool, collected, or empowered. And I don’t know about you, I don’t want to speak for you, but this is not [just] for people who are already chill! It’s for people who are really overwhelmed with their children’s behaviors, or their relationship with their partner… I mean, there’s this… the energy between people is really under-examined and under-used. So this is about how to make the most of that as well.

N: Yeah. You know, one thing I love about the fact that you and I are doing this together, Leah, is that our energy is very different. You said that all of your energy was inward—anxiety, etc.— and mine is all like THIS [gestures arms outward], and always has been. And when I was a teenager, I was like, 'Don’t mess with me!’ My energy was loud, and probably obnoxious, and there’s something about this approach that’s just helped me channel that. So it’s not about me not being me, it’s just ‘Okay, so I have a lot of outward energy, I have a lot of passion,’ and this approach has helped me use that as fuel, like you said earlier, and channel the best parts of that energy of mine, so that I can give it out to my children, to my husband, to strangers on the street!

L: Yeah. It’s not about turning anybody into zombies, or getting rid of this beautiful intensity that people have, either inward or outward or both. It’s about, how do we use that really well, in the service of relationship?

N: Yeah. It’s about helping us be the best versions of who we are. It’s not about trying to be anybody else.

L: Mm hmm. And acknowledging every little baby step toward who that is. I mean right now, a lot of people’s Best is like, just getting out of bed. Making it through the day. And there’s so much even in *that* that is worth celebrating.

N: Absolutely!

L: And that’s what we want to bring, starting August 12-29 on Wednesdays and Saturdays! PeaceInAPandemic.eventbrite.com. We would love love love to have you there. Thank you so much!