3 Ways to Help Your Child Move Through Tough Emotions

Last summer, my then 5 year old son and I were playing Sneaky Snacky Squirrel.

(If you’re not familiar with this alliterative board game, it’s got a spinner, a selection of colored plastic acorns for filling up spaces in tree trunk game boards, and a high-demand pair of acorn tweezers shaped like a squirrel.)

My son had wanted to spin to get a purple acorn like I had, but I had already set a limit to keep it to one spin each. I could tell he had some emotion that needed release— he’d gone through a big transition out of preschool and getting his own bedroom, etc.— so the limit was to actually enable that emotional release as he pushed against my boundary.

As expected, his face crumpled— BIG tears. He crawled under the dining room table to sob while I sat nearby and softly said supportive things and gently wiped his nose occasionally, etc.

These kind of moments can feel like they last forever, but I used that time to choose how I wanted to look at the situation.

I commended him for his good choices (including his decision to not make worse choices): I acknowledged him for not wrecking the game, not trying to cheat, not hurting himself or me, not running away, just safely and deeply feeling his disappointment.

When his crying subsided (after 300 years, but actually maybe 2 or 3 minutes), we got right back to the game. I took my turn, spinning the spinner… and was instructed to steal one of his acorns.

OH GREAT, I thought, bracing myself.

I thought for sure he’d lose it all over again, but he shocked me by offering his red acorn (his favorite color at the time) and saying this:

“Mama I want you to have my red acorn because I love you.”

If you’re reading this and wondering how we got to that point, remember that the biggest impact in your relationship with your child will be things YOU do, not things you tell your child to do!

Here are a few things you can do as the adult, that can help when big feelings arise at home:

1. Take a deep breath...and then go ahead and take several more. Using a longer exhale than your inhale helps to cue your body that you’re safe.

Hum on the exhale too, if you’re able. This also cues your animal brain that you're safe and it's not an emergency. If you are super dysregulated and overwhelmed, you will accidentally feed your child’s upset.

In the words of author L.R. Knost, ”When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it's our job to share our calm, not join their chaos."

2. Ensure safety, of course, but notice what you’re noticing. Notice where your energy’s going. Venting or animatedly expressing upset about your child’s upset, in the moment, is like adding gasoline to the fire— would you want to add even a drop, if you knew what it would do?

Now, I’m not blaming adults for their child’s feelings or the expression of them. Rather, I’m reminding all of us adults that we actually have tremendous power in de-escalation, depending on the lens we use for a situation. Escalation is not inevitable.

3. Don’t get ahead of yourself— REALLY look at what’s happening with your child, AND what they’re not doing that would make things worse. This is a little-used but incredibly powerful angle to use in looking at a situation, and it’s a reality-based tool that can offer a powerful personal reset.

Because the truth is, maybe your child is yelling but NOT hitting, and how much of a bummer would that be if they were hitting too? And sure, maybe they're also not calmly asking or saying please, but acknowledging the lack of hitting can help them move a bit closer to the behavior you’re ultimately hoping for.

In summary, it can be so healing (and ultimately more efficient) to give kids opportunities to fall apart in your safe presence and to feel their feelings fully.

Humans need that, at any age. It’s a scary and loud and uncomfortable process and feels like it takes forever, but it clears out so much and makes room for so much love and flexibility.“

And as adults, if we see our number one job during a heightened moment as getting as steady as we can so we can choose what we see and do next, we might be shocked at how much more peace there is at home.

[Originally posted HERE]