"Carnage" and Repair

[This happened in March, but I wanted to write/post about it since it (and COVID) is still relevant.]

This is the “carnage” from my 6 year old’s BIG big big tumultuous release of feelings just now.

What I would have seen before learning Howard Glasser's Nurtured Heart Approach®:
- What a mess!
- Why is he freaking out over an applesauce pouch?
- Ugh, why does he need to eat AGAIN?
- Is he seriously going to throw every single one of these #%&$ stuffed animals at me?
- Why do we have so many giant bears?
- When is this crying ever going to end (it was 13 minutes straight)?
- This is not how I imagined my Saturday going…
- How can he treat me like this?

What I see now:

- No WONDER he’s having a huge cry over an “insignificant” thing, he’s been holding so much together for the past couple weeks
- He is glancing at the wall and throwing only soft things at me, he’s still making sure he won’t hurt me or himself, while still getting all this tension out
- I know this won’t last forever, even if it feels like it
- If I let him release this in a supported way, there’s a happy, peaceful kid on the other side
- He’s not screaming, scratching, biting, pinching, breaking anything, kicking hard, pushing, or harming himself in this moment

I just got onto the floor with him, let him know I was here, guarded from any rogue kicks, and tried to just stay quiet as he worked through it.

It wasn’t the time for a lecture, or correction, or explanation, or trying to reason with him, or punishing him... he wouldn’t have been able to really take it in anyway.

So I tried to just help him co-regulate by keeping myself as grounded as I could.

After about 15 minutes, he went upstairs seeking food (a wise impulse). Lots of spontaneous deep breaths.

As he ate, I quietly told him everything I noticed him doing or not doing that revealed his great qualities.

I was a detective, looking for any little molecules of rightness I could find and expand upon, providing as much evidence as I could.

For example:

“Bud, you were so powerful down there. You could have really hurt me but I could see you watching me and the wall and adjusting your movements so we were both safe. That is some *major* self-control right there, even as you were so upset.”

A few minutes later, he leaned over to give me a spontaneous hug. Lots of smiles. He drew a picture for his dad, and then he and I collaborated on one.

I went back downstairs to take a moment, and when he came to find me, he eagerly cleaned up all this stuff with no argument.

He’s now singing to himself as he builds a train track nearby. He seems so much lighter.

I just remarked to him that he used the energy of his upset to reset himself, and he replied:

“I started out sad and then I calmed down THROUGH my crying, and then I suddenly realized that I wanted to do this [playing].”

And for everyone reading this and thinking “Ha, yeah right. There’s no way I could wait through all that when I have [other kids] [work from home] [etc] to deal with”...

I hear you. I see you. There’s so many levels of disruption right now.

I would just offer that if you can manage to share with your child any bits of your calm you can find, as they find ways to release the tension they’re so extra attuned to these days, that investment can pay off for a LONG time.

The Nurtured Heart Approach is a proactive one, teaching people how to redirect the precious energy they’re *already* spending (trying to manage or react to intense behaviors)...

...into ways that really nourish on the front end and prevent a lot of those behaviors in the first place.

It’s not about expending yet more energy that no one has in abundance lately, but about optimizing your current energy supply/use.

Reach out to me if you want to learn more, I would love to help support you!

[Originally posted HERE]