Adult Self-Resets In A Pandemic

Earlier this year, an insightful and courageous parent reached out to me for some guidance on Nurtured Heart Approach implementation with their child.

This is a modified version of part of my response, which I’m sharing in case it helps anyone else (since it's still relevant!):

"First, you have just tons of awareness about the dynamics here, and I can sense your powerful motivation.

This virus is impacting the whole world in Very Big Ways right now, on a lot of levels.

Full disclosure, in my household we’re mostly going for survival here as we find our balance and figure out how to work with the energy of the household in this new form.

In saying that, I will just advise to be very gentle with yourself.

It’s hard when we notice energy leaks (or have them ourselves) and don’t know quite how to shore them up.

[By “energy leaks,” I mean ways we accidentally give our time/ attention/ energy/ relationship to situations or behaviors we want to see less of, but which accidentally draws out more of those situations/behaviors in doing so].

In typical times I would read what you’ve written and say “get more squeaky clean with Stand 1 [No energy to negativity] and Stand 2 [Instead, pour our attention/relationship/energy into noticing and celebrating any bits of positive as we can]…

…before worrying too much about Stand 3/Reset [Clarity of rules and consequences, based on our values].

Get the flow going of your No and your Yes in terms of what YOU will show up for with your presence.”

And that’s still true. It’s just harder now.

NHA® creator Howard Glasser would say that this is a beautiful opportunity to level up in how we greet the energies of the day.

For me, when I’m feeling more down and disconnected or worn down, it’s hard to access *any* energy.

That’s when I turn to my breath.

Really taking some conscious, steady breaths while I visualize allllll the little ways I’m showing greatness in the moment.

For me sometimes that starts with, “I notice myself gracefully bearing the weight of grief right now,” and I go from there.

[I want to add a bit about this turning to the breath to access that very energy of inertia.

As Howard pointed out to me in a recent comment, the felt absence of energy is its own energy, it takes work to stay cut off from it too.

Specifically, he says:

“I would say that a choice I am trying to make when I feel that similar place in me (worn down and disconnected) is that this too is energy.

Staying in that place requires energy and staying inert is effort too.

It’s a little more of a subtle form of energy but that said I've typically been able to reach into these variations of energy too and there's quite a bit of 'nectar' there to harvest.

More than a few times I've plowed that energy into forms of empowerment - activation - mobilization... medicine for the enervating energies and truly qualities of greatness.”

I love this body of work for how it’s shifted my own perception of emotion from threat into signal, into a cue, an invitation.

And now too, when my nervous system wants to freeze, this work helps shift that freeze into freedom—

—freedom to breathe, to move my body, to acknowledge myself and the gifts of the moment, to wake up, to see, to live.]

This is a season of getting really good at the Adult Self-Reset, before we get too focused on resetting a kid or worrying about what happens when they don’t.

When people are sheltering at home, as so many are now, we need more than ever to utilize that phenomenon of co-regulation (regulating ourselves which helps children around us regulate).

Reset yourself *out loud* when your child shows defiance:

“Whew, I need to take a minute and reset! I’m handling some big feelings really well right now!

I want to yell and lecture and instead I am just going to breathe,” etc.

Remember also that this is virus is somewhat unprecedented in that our nervous systems don’t really have a collective memory of this.

They don’t know whether to fight (how?), flee (can’t go anywhere), or freeze (shut down, lethargy, etc), so a lot of times they pick the latter.

Which leads intense kids to wonder “where’d [my caregiver] go?” and act accordingly to get us to really show up, when all we may want to do is hunker down and hide.

I’d love to know what resonated here and any questions you have, and we could go from there.

I’d also HIGHLY recommend the newer NHA® book, “Taking A Stand: The Art, Science, and Practice of Resetting.”

Phenomenal resource, with lots of practical ideas.

Thank you again for reaching out, and take very good care! You’re doing hard things really well!"

If this speaks to you, I'm just an email away:

Leah@ReachYourHeartOut.com

[Originally posted HERE]

Pictured: One of my recent Adult Self-Resets mentioned above, and a bit of beauty on a recent walk with my son.